Saturday, September 23, 2006

PaIn pAiN PaIn pAiN PaIn pAiN PaIn pAiN

Actually, I wrote this in my Journal in the wee hours of the morning on September 22, but want to journalize it here. I have a software that will download my blogs into a PDF format which is pretty amazing. However, I do like to write also... it's cathargic But, here is my rantings of that morning.

This is why I think I need counseling. No one hears me. Not my doctor, not my friends, not my family. They say to forget about the past when I am ranting and raving about things that happened to me in the past. I say "there are some things that should be resolved in the past that are wrong and are making things worse for me today." They don't GET it...

My friends ask how I am. I look tired and often "mean" because of pain. Sometimes I try and tell them the stupidity of what I have been through, but they look at me as if it's my fault because how can one person keep going from one mess to another like I am. Am I making it up? I recently dropped out of a group I have played poker with for over 20 years. I called my best friend in the group that I have known since second grade and said "Sherry.... I am tired of facing my friends and putting on the smile and trying to explain my failure to "fix" myself. I tell her I am once again having a huge battle with pain and by evening, when we play poker, I cannot "smile" any longer." I tell her I need a few months away. That was on Monday the 18th. It is now the 24th. I have had no calls, no mail, nothing from than. Wow... the support of friends. Perhaps, they aren't really my friends afterall.

My Family - They do what they can. It's hard to imagine and understand the anxiety and frustration of someone in pain 24 hours a day. They have lives and commitments. I have gone through a lot of situations where I've had to research and learn about techniques, anatomy, medicines, etc. When I had the energy and brain power, it was rather fun and I like to challenge my brain and learn. I consider myself an intelligent person.

These days, with some of the meds I take, its a challenge to sit down and pay bills and I end up in tears when I try to deal with doctors or insurance companies. THIS is how my family can help. Help me with my battles. They can help with my research, my often futile calls to insurance companies and doctors offices. I can't think well enough for myself now. Maybe it the Lyrica and Topamax because Oyxcontin (20mg is low dose) never caused that. Or maybe its just sheer exhaustion from almost 3 years of continuous pain.

Hardly anything refreshes me anymore. This morning when telling my husband I wanted to get "OUT" this weekend, he immediately said maybe we can Geocache. I like Geocache, don't get me wrong, but it involves some hiking which I don't know if I can do right now as my legs are wobble when I walk now. Did he not consider this? He said "you can sit in the car then." I thought "oh yeah, THAT is getting out. Does he just not think? A day of out for me is perhaps a park or a long drive with a few stops along the way to get some ice cream or buy some books or little stuff we used to do.

Don't they listen to ME. They seem to want to help me. Ask me "What can I DO." WHAT do you need." Honestly, often I tell them. Can they not hear me? What do they hear? Often, when I have given my husband encouragement to learn about my shoulder, even printed information for him, he puts it aside and "skims" it perhaps. I want him to educate himself on what is wrong with me so he can ask questions of the doctors. I find my mind is tired. Sometimes I just want to throw myself to these wolves (doctors) and let them tear me to pieces w/o question.

Right now since I'm switching pain clinics, I had to get a release from my pain doc. She refused to continue my current dose of 20mg of Oxycontin, plus refused to tirate me, saying 20mg 2x daily wasn't much. ANOTHER story of abuse. I am going to report this one to the medical board. There is more to this story but I will not post at this time.

My Primary did agree to tirate me with 10mg dose that they DO make although my old pain doc just outright lied to me and said they didn't. I do think I am experiencing some symptoms. I'm not sure as I feel like crap a lot of days anyhow.

I know there are OTC things and vitamins you can take that help. I'm to tire to research through link after link after link and page after page after page of useless information. My old pain doc just blew off. So, I know have several weeks of limbo. No treatments for withdrawing other than using the 10mg.... I'll do it because I HAVE to.

I now MAKE myself eat to keep a certain energy. A little bit of food everyday is better than no food. Kim will encourage me to eat a little, but the more I say no, the less he asks. I just scrounge around and microwave little Michelina's during the week. It's enough. I think Kim gets angry when I tell him in the evening I don't know what sounds good.

He is tired of my pain, my tears, the sadass look on my face, my despair I don't blame him. I am tired of my PAIN also. Sometimes I just feel I need to get away to recapture my spirit. I'm spiraling down the drain. If I don't get a long break from this pain soon, I will die.


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